Have you realized how fights with your partner turn into an abyss after using either ‘you never’ or ‘you always’?
You have a heated discussion and suddenly these words drop. In an accusative and so absolute way. The energy shifts, your partner tenses up, gets defensive, takes a step back and you realize you are in a full-blown fight for who knows how long. Ugly fight. Anger tantrum-throwing fight.
What has happened?
In a nutshell: when you choose your partner, you unconsciously choose based on what need you want to have fulfilled the most. Such as feeling loved, feeling acknowledged, feeling safe. The need you want the most comes from your early childhood when your parents weren’t able to fulfill your needs at all times.
I’m not suggesting a blame game here. It is humanly impossible to fulfill all the needs of your offspring all the time.
The least fulfilled need creates a craving and is what you’re look for in your partner. It’s one of the main criteria to feel attracted to another human.
During the honeymoon phase, you feel a perfect match aka your new partner nourishes your need in a satisfying way. After a while though, that changes and little differences turn into serious fights.
Every time you use ‘you never’ and ‘you always’ in an accusing and negative way, you are being triggered. Triggered by your partner not fulfilling this craving created during childhood. This craving turns over the years into something unsatisfiable.
In other words: you are projecting onto your partner what you wanted the most from your caretakers.
You are not broken. This is a human mechanism and there is a way to fulfill your need without feeling desperate. Many of my clients struggle with this when they come to me. I struggled with this for a long time, making my past relationships a shit show. I learned to become the one to fulfill my needs and it transformed my relationship to the better. And I teach this to my clients too.
You can become the one who fulfills your most important need such as unconditional love, acknowledgement, safety. Once you are fulfilling your need on a regular basis you are ready to receive even more from your partner.
Take these simple steps:
– During your next argument pay attention when you use “you never…” and “you always…” to get clear on what triggers you the most. Example: ‘You never pay attention to me.’ Or ‘You always look at your phone when I tell you something important.’ This is an indicator for wanting to be seen and acknowledged.
– Create a simple daily mantra that you repeat 3×10 times per day to yourself in the mirror. E.g. I see you. I acknowledge you.
It sounds simple, but this practice is so powerful, that in my Love Bliss 1:1 Coaching Program I guide women to create individual practices and rituals.
This is how I support my clients to create deep intimacy and love in their relationships they desire.
Stay tuned, soon I will be sharing more information on how to work with me on a one on one basis.
If you are ready to stop having these massive fights so you can grow a relationship beyond your wildest dreams, click here to apply for my 1:1 Love Bliss Coaching Program.
With Love and so much Pleasure,
Turning Women on One Relationship at a Time