Remember the last fight with your partner? Whose fault was it?
You do know these fights: usually they are about little issues, but when you are right in them with your partner the world is coming to a grinding hold.
You: “Why didn’t you take the trash out again? Why do I have to ask you EVERY SINGLE TIME to take the trash out.”
Your partner: “You are never grateful when I do it! Stop bugging me. If it’s so important to you that the trash is taken out, then why don’t you do it yourself? Stop bossing me around.”
Does that sound familiar? Maybe it’s not taking out trash in your case, so feel free to exchange trash with washing the dishes, putting up the laundry, watering the plants, taking care of the garden, tidying up the kitchen after cooking.
You both have discussed and decided upon to do lists in which the responsibilities are clearly divided in the household. You even put them up visibly so it should be impossible to ignore or forget them. And yet it’s not happening the way you want it to, and you frequently fight about it. The fights get big and ugly.
OF COURSE it’s your partners fault for not sticking to what you both have agreed upon. Or is it? Did you really boss him too much into how he should take of his responsibilities in the household?
I feel you. It’s very common to have these fights over daily chores take over in a relationship and make you feel resentful and upset. And it totally makes sense to get upset, when you feel like you are carrying all the burden of household chores while your partner is dragging along half-heartedly.
For a loving relationship you have to transition from who’s to blame to what is your responsibility. If this is bringing up your defences right now, I want you to know that you are not alone. It happens all the time to the clients I work with, to looking for whose fault it was. It’s your default mechanism, it’s what you’ve been taught from little on.
Looking for who’s to blame is letting you drift apart from your partner. It’s being on different teams and trying to figure out who’s winning.
I know that you want to have a turned on relationship that feels safe and loving and sexy. Being in different team is not going to get you there.
Next time you are in a fight or an argument with your partner, try to take a step back internally and ask yourself: how did I contribute to this fight? What were my thoughts, feelings, emotions right before we started the fight, that might have influenced the situation and made my partner be defensive, angry, annoyed. Simply observe.
You might think now: WHAT Tina?! I’m supposed to find a reason why the fight was my fault? That’s crazy.
Remember, it’s not about whose fault it was, it’s about responsibility.
Well, to be on the same team in a relationship means to assume radical responsibility. This means that you are 100% responsible for what is happening in your relationship. And so is your partner. Both of you are 100% responsible for the energy in your relationship – the loving moments just as much as the tense moments.
I know from my own experience that it’s not easy to simply switch your mindset from looking for the one to blame to looking for how you have contributed to the situation – especially when it’s a uncomfortable one.
But I know you can do it. I did it. My clients do it. Know, it’s about incremental change and being patient with yourself and your partner. I offer in my coaching program the right guidance and know-how to support you with this shift from blaming to taking on responsibility.
Every time you catch yourself looking for who to blame ask yourself: How did I contribute to this situation. Then forgive yourself for it. Then ask your partner for forgiveness.
Imagine having an argument and feeling grateful for it, because it helped you to get to know your partner better and deepen your intimacy.
If you’re excited to stop blaming and be happy in your relationship, click here to apply for my 1:1 coaching program Love Bliss.
With Love and so much Pleasure,
Turning Women on One Relationship at a Time